The Confidence Paradox
I will never forget my first time going to a house party in a foreign country. I was 17, a few weeks into settling in the UK, and staying in student accommodation. A neighbour hosted a house party during my first week there. I had never been to a college party. All I knew came from TV dramas: alcohol in red plastic cups, loud music filling a house packed with young people. I had no clue what the social norms were or how to "party" appropriately!
SOOOOO I went alone, and empty-handed. I DIDN'T KNOW I was supposed to bring my own drink. The host was super gracious and welcoming. He invited me in, showed me around, and pointed to the kitchen area. There were some beer bottles and soft drinks that I could help myself to. I poured a cup of Coke and then walked around, introduced myself, and admitted that this was my first party ever. Everyone was so cute and accommodating. They smiled, showed me around, and introduced me to their friends. When I shared the story with my housemates, they looked at me with awe and terror: "Girl, you were SO brave!" I genuinely thought everyone would have done the same: go to a party alone, talk to strangers, and be a social butterfly. I didn't realise what I had back then: fearless confidence.
Looking back, I think I was confident because I didn't know enough to be afraid. I've repeated the same pattern many times throughout my life. It was the same when I signed up for a pole performance after 5 months of doing pole. I saw there was a "Beginner Group Performance" in the annual student showcase, so I put my name down. Without much pole experience. Without any idea what I had to do. I struggled badly with learning the choreography. Eventually, the instructor modified the tricks to a more beginner-friendly level. I could barely hold myself on a pole for more than 30 seconds, couldn't do any upside-down tricks, and had super sweaty hands, yet I managed to do not 1, but 2 group performances.
I was often told that I seem so natural and confident when trying new things. People might think it's bravery or the absence of social anxiety. I think it comes from a ridiculous level of ignorance. I know that I'm a blank page. I don't know anything. Therefore, there's no comparison, no expectation to perform or impress anyone. There's no embarrassment because I'm here to learn with extreme curiosity and eagerness.
Most people think confidence comes with experience. To me, it's the opposite. As I became more experienced in dance, I noticed myself becoming more judgemental and self-critical. I experience more fear and a greater sense of shame. Going to a dance class as a dance teacher, I suddenly feel the pressure to perform. To be better than other complete beginners, no matter what dance styles I'm learning. Joy is replaced with stress. When I cannot do a combo in class, I experience a strong sense of failure and embarrassment. Maybe because I look incompetent. What if others doubt my credibility? What if I'm an imposter and I'm not good enough as a dance teacher?
Then I remind myself what it's like to be a complete beginner. It makes sense that I don't pick things up immediately. It's obvious that I'm clumsy and don't do things right yet. But that's the beauty of being new. There's so much to learn. So many exciting, shiny new experiences waiting to be discovered.
Whenever I feel intimidated in a dance class, I try to remember the girl who signed up for a pole performance after only five months. She had no idea what she was doing. She wasn't fearless. She was simply curious enough to try.
This "back to being a beginner" mindset later convinced me to sign up for a hip-hop battle after only four months of learning this year.
More on that in the next post.
