I had a conversation with my partner recently about my experience as a woman, especially with an Asian upbringing, in a heavily patriarchal society.
As a firstborn kid on both my mum’s and dad’s sides, I was held to a lot of expectations from childhood. “You gotta set an example for your siblings and cousins.” Keep your mouth shut, be nice and quiet. Don’t cause trouble. Always sit near the cooking area to help serve the food to everyone else. Pay attention to others’ needs. Close your legs. Don’t put things between your legs because it looks vulgar. Keep your knees close together when you ride a bike. Cover your mouth when you laugh. All the ridiculous details that I found very unnecessary and unfair as a kid. I asked, “Why aren’t boys taught this kind of etiquette?” “Because you are a girl, that’s why.”
Not only did I receive unsolicited advice from my family and people close to me, but I also received so much unsolicited advice from strangers, even in my early 20s! Don’t wear crop tops; you are showing too much skin. Don’t be the last to finish your meal so others won’t think you are gluttonous. Lose some weight. Erase the big birthmark on your cheek (oh man, don’t get me started!). Wear push-up bras. Get a boob job. Don’t smile too big; you will get wrinkles in the corners of your eyes. Smile more warmly at strangers; they are being nice (even when I don’t want to). Be considerate at all costs, even at your own expense.
Growing up in this environment, it was natural to make myself small and convenient. I had a hard time taking up space and being loud and bold. I only learned how to do that when I started taking dance classes where the majority of students were women. High heels, pole, twerk, striptease... Those were my safe spaces to express my sensuality and femininity. I could wear the sexiest lingerie, the naughtiest outfits, and dance like the baddest bitch. I didn’t need to be a good girl and keep my knees together like a dainty little flower. In some exotic pole classes, I was instructed to open my legs wide and slowly touch every part of my body. It was freaking liberating and empowering!!! This body is mine, and I get to choose how I want to act.
Throughout my early womanhood, I explored myself through a double life: by day, being a properly attired corporate girl, and by evening, transforming into a sexier version of myself in dance classes. It was so refreshing that it slowly bled into my daily life. I started acting more frivolously, dressing more revealingly, and giving fewer f*cks when my relatives commented on my body. Eventually, when I left my corporate job to pursue a full-time dance career and moved to a beach town called Da Nang, I got to be my fullest self. Of course, I wouldn’t run around town naked. But I dress how I want. I no longer make myself small, even when it can be uncomfortable for some people. I became enthusiastic about creating that safe space for “good girls” to explore their wilder, freer side.
From time to time, I still get affected by others’ opinions, such as that I’m too much or that I dress too little. In a pole photoshoot some years ago, a pole girl told me my bodysuit was too, in her words, “VULGAR”, and insisted that I wear leggings to cover my bottom. I knew it came from good intentions, and I felt a little self-conscious, but I didn’t want to give in. I wore the outfit anyway, and the photos came out amazing. I choose not to dim my light for others, and I shine brighter than ever.
I’m still learning to take up space, to feel comfortable in my own skin, and to give fewer f*cks about what others think of me. And I know I’m not the only one on this journey.
So, if you’re a good girl who’s curious about her baddie side, come explore it with me. I’d love to witness your journey, too.
