Have you ever been there? Despite being the most confident, self-assured woman, you still feel gross and insecure from time to time?
This week, I’m going through my luteal phase. PMS is hard. Just a week ago, I felt invincible and sexy as f*ck. And then BOOM! Insecurities, self-blame, all the hateful voices in my head. The worst part is that I’m fully aware of this phenomenon and can rationalise everything. This is not real. I’m still the same person. I’m still hot. And yet, I feel terrible and actively blame myself: “Why are you feeling this way? Why can’t you just chill and stop overreacting?”
My partner tries his best to reassure me (bless him) and not let my spikiness get to him. We joked that during the luteal phase, I can be almost like a Chihuahua. Reactive, barking loudly, and ready to bite. In one of his attempts to reassure me, he said, “I think not only me, but many men find you very attractive, baby. Don’t you worry.” To which I barked, “But I don’t care what they think of me. I care about how I view myself. It sucks that I can’t appreciate myself these days.”
After saying that, I suddenly thought: Hang on, isn’t that thought itself a form of self-love? Isn’t it beautiful that I no longer crave external validation, but just want to feel loved and validated by myself?
And then I had a realisation. In my previous article, I wrote about being a little cheerleader and how much I love seeing women shine. Yet I sometimes forget to cheer for myself. On the contrary, I’m often too hard on myself, especially when I’m not at my best. So, by acknowledging that I’m not being very kind to myself right now, I’m taking the first step towards breaking out of this self-sabotaging cycle.
Being my own cheerleader doesn’t mean I have to feel confident all the time. It means learning not to throw rocks at myself when I don’t.
Here are some exercises that help me get through those moments when my inner critics get a bit too loud.
1. Name the voices in your head
We gotta be our own cheerleaders, since the toughest battle is within. One exercise I find very helpful is naming the voices in my head.*
The mean and judgemental voice is called Billy. When I recognise that Billy is taking over the whole conversation, I stop giving them centre stage and invite another “person” to speak. It could be Fufelina, the sweet but vulnerable voice who’s easily hurt by harsh comments. I can also listen to Vex, a cool and unapologetic badass who’s slightly cocky and protective. They would say something like ‘’Get up b*tch, we got this’’.
It sounds a bit crazy to sit alone and have conversations with all the voices in my head. The point is, I can get a more or less balanced perspective instead of fixating on one negative self-talk.
2. Build a Bank of Confidence
Another exercise I use to validate myself is having a “Bank of Confidence”. This is a collection of real, hard evidence that I’m doing well in life. It includes work achievements, feedback from students, videos and photos of me at my best, and even blog entries from when I was at rock bottom. Basically, things that remind me that I’m freaking awesome and that I’ve always got my own back, regardless of the situation.
I have both digital versions (my website, Instagram, Google reviews) and printouts pinned to a board in my workspace. This collection needs to be easy to access, so whenever I’m feeling low, I can take out some Confidence tokens.
3. Move your body, without a goal
As a dance lover, I always feel good when I move my body. Dancing helps a lot when I feel shitty. I’ll turn on my favourite music and move freely without a goal. I try to avoid mirrors and not focus on aesthetics or technicalities. By dancing and moving around, I feel more grounded and connected to myself. Music and dance really do wonders for the body and mind.
I have several playlists to suit my mood, from soft, melancholy tunes (perfect when I feel low) to powerful, bursting-with-energy music (great for moments of irritation and frustration). Let me know if you want some music suggestions :)
4. Let other people cheer you on
In an “emergency”, when nothing else works, I turn to external help. I reach out to my people, whether that’s family, close friends, or my romantic partner, and honestly ask them to tell me something they like about me. You know, a cheerleader needs to be cheered on sometimes, too. You can’t and shouldn’t do everything alone. Trust the power of delegation and outsourcing.
Still a good duck, even on a bad day
So here I am, still battling with self-confidence and my inner critics from time to time. Still developing different ways to reassure myself. Still striving to be a loving cheerleader to myself and others.
Maybe being my own cheerleader doesn’t mean I’ll always feel confident. Maybe it means choosing to be kind and supportive, especially on the days when I don’t feel like my best.
Like @diplomaduck’s analogy, I can be a chaotic duck sometimes, but still a good duck!
(*Shout-out to Dina, my friend and personal coach, for helping me come up with some of the exercise.)
